“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
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All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.