that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Breaking news:
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I don’t think my car can fly
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!