You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
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Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
For those that worship cheese..
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”