doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in