Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.