lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
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There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.