When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
*checks Timeline*…
Admin smashed it 😂
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.