[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
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Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
is it earth
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
White Castle for the Win
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice