People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
yeah 😭
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.