there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
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“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone