Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
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[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out