Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
You Might Also Like
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Pigeon open mic night.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
That lamp looks PISSED.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Everyone’s family
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?