Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.