So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
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[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?