all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
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Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
went fishing caught a bass
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
when nothing goes right… go left