It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
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My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Pretty much! 😂👀
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains