going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.