Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early