I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…