The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
mathematically impossible
May your day taste like creamy soup.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.