I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
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If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
won’t smith
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.