they split up moments later
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People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
The most important meal of the day is the next one