Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.