Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
U talkin 2 me?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick