Body by sandwich.
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Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
This kinda thing happens to me often
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary