If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Wednesday
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick