I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Nose
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.