Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
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When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.