To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Trumpy Cat
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.