Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
“What movie?” 🤔
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no