A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
screw you
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Aw man, but that’s the best part
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.