I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
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[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again