[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.