Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
You Might Also Like
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.