Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
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ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Fight
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.