judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
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I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My sex drive has a dui
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.