Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
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Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
They’re stuck in your pants?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.