ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.