As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
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Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people