I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
They say women only use 10% of their anger
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.