I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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Botany good plants lately?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Festive toon…
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
A short story of betrayal:
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.