Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
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Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
titanic
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Children of the corn 🌽
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot