“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Those are good neighbors.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.