When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
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Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.