DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.