I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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My sex drive has a dui
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
For anyone who needs this today
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.