How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
You Might Also Like
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Good morning.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once