Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
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ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.