Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
You Might Also Like
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
This is sending me to another galaxy
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch