*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
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Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?